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Here be Lions : a memoir not suitable for children
In 2004, after three years in therapy, I wrote a children's story straight from my heart. It starred a feisty and ever hopeful little girl named Perpie Birley, the middle child in an extremely dysfunctional family. As Perpie tried to bring her family together, she had to learn that they were never going to love her as she deserved, and were on a path to self destruction that she couldn't change. They destroyed themselves, and she and her little brother and sister found a new life where they were loved and valued.
I sent it to my regular publisher, who could not read beyond page two, as she found it so disturbing. I asked Jay Heale to read it and give me an honest opinion on it, and he came back with a reader report which insisted it was 'not suitable for children.'
I was devastated at the criticism, as I knew that Perpie's story was powerful and poignant. If these two people whose opinions I respected said it was not suitable for children, I was sure they were right. But what was I to do with it? I was a children's writer.
I knew that Perpie's story was really my own story, although in hugely exaggerated form. And I realised that it was time to tell the story of my own battle to find justice within my family.
I started with enormous trepidation, fearful of my ability to write for adults, terribly afraid of the reaction of my family when what had been so carefully hidden was exposed.
Over the next few months I created a manuscript that wound my personal memoir around Perpie's story, using the child's story as the voice of my feelings, and the memoir as a way of stepping back from my feelings, and examining my memories, and trying to make sense of it all.
The result was a log book of my attempts to get my family to listen to me as I gradually revealed my eldest brother's longstanding sexual abuse.
Its also a book filled with hope. I wanted to tell other people who have endured abuse that there is healing, and that rape, though devastating, is not a death sentence.
I am immensely proud of this book, because it was so hard to write, and even harder to publish. I felt incredibly exposed, and quite terrified of my family's reaction to it. They exerted enormous pressure on me not to publish, and when I went ahead, cut off all contact.
I could have written it under a psuedonym, but I felt terribly strongly that men get away with sexual abusing children in their families because other adults close ranks around them in order to protect the family name. The victim is then abused twice - once in the act itself, and then by the family who force her to bear the secret shame silently, with no recourse to healing. Its bloody outrageous.
I felt that if I did publish my name, other victims might feel emboldened to speak out too. And when men and teenagers know that there is a chance they might be named and shamed, they will think twice about victimising the most vulnerable members of their families and communities. | >> tell me more |
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This is an anthology of erotic short stories by women writers. My story is called 'The Nutsman,' and I am very embarrassed to have written it.....
Nutsman presents a TV DIY program. He has an assistant called Max, and both feature as the stars in my erotic short story. | >> tell me more |
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