| Being rooted
27 November 09
See this picture of my outdoor bath and shower? Well, I need to make a screen for it. I bought some nice long poles - you can see one on the right, leaning against the Victorian basin I bought from some bergies (homeless people) on the side of the road.
I've... |
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| Roses and Butternuts
25 November 09
Realised this morning that the glorious technicolour is coming back to my life.
I am really enjoying being a mother. For the first time ever, I'm loving being female and being nurturing. Luke and I sapped each other's energy because we could never agree on parenting styles.
We were so... |
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| scary things
24 November 09
Last week I got down eyeball to eyeball with the Little Black Book of Raving. I typed it out, then read it aloud to my shrink. And when I'd done that it lost its power to scare me. I could take a step back and look at it more objectively.... |
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| Shifting
21 November 09
Things are shifting at home. I've been avoiding changing things. But now my anger is subsiding, and I'm finding space in my heart to let in the other feelings.
I've ranted and raved about Luke in therapy and in my journal, 25 years of unsaid accusations and finger pointing. I've... |
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| black book of raving
18 November 09
I typed up Luke's black book of raving on Sunday. I wanted to stop being scared of it. I wanted to integrate what he wrote with my memory of him, and to be able to let it go.
Then I took it to therapy and read it aloud, so I could... |
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| 17 November
17 November 09
Oh dear, I am upsetting people.
Now it's a dear colleague, who wonders why I have it in for fat lesbians. I don't actually, well not consciously.
I love the way some lesbians ignore society's demands that women restrict, control, discipline and punish their bodies in order to be sexually... |
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| Wild Child and Cross Zealot
15 November 09
I've been reading Martha Beck. I find her irritating, because there is just SO much of the self-conscious Martha Beck in everything she writes. But I also get that she's grew up a clever child in a big family of clever children, and when you grow up like that it's... |
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| Friday 13
13 November 09
So I'm still cross and resisting writing, which means I'm onto a rich vein that needs examining, so I'll brace myself and carry on the investigation into my deepest darkest psyche.
So I reacted most strongly to Shannon's comment suggesting that I have an addiction to food.
Which means it's a... |
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| More griping
11 November 09
I've been avoiding writing here all day. I'm sulking. I'm enraged that I have to confront my defense mechanisms and stop overeating to protect myself. It's not fair, and I'm pissed off.
I've been watching a disgusting woman on TV called Gillian McKeith who's only job seems to be making fat... |
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| Bodies
09 November 09
When Luke and I got married we thought that our bodies were weak and lowly things, way down below our souls and spirits in value, and needing to be disciplined and kept in check.
I found a letter the other day from him written before we got married (remember, we didn't... |
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| Flashbacks
07 November 09
So every night now I wake up with flash backs about Luke's death. My heart thuds, I'm suddenly wide awake, remembering in vivid detail - like lightning cutting through storm clouds, events that I have obviously protected myself from because they were too painful. His body lying on the bed,... |
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| 362 Writing again
04 November 09
It's been more than a year since I felt able to write fiction. I've done lots of non fiction stuff in that time, but couldn't trust my feelings not to gallop away in different directions tearing me limb from limb.
I suppose its a sign that I'm healing that my creativity... |
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| 361 Inner mother
02 November 09
So now I am faced with my deepest darkest place - the fear of being alone and unloved.
I sit working in the morning, and after a while I feel the need for some contact with someone, to know that I'm not abandoned.
And there's no one there, so I... |
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