| 243 River and Tributaries
30 September 09
So this is what I think today.
Feeling the pain of losing your life partner is very difficult. It's like a river of pain, and you don't want to feel it, so you avoid it by going down tributaries that lead away from the river.
Some people go down tributaries... |
|
 |
| 342 Surviving and thriving
29 September 09
Tea time:
One of my students, after reading my lunchtime blog, has written me a very sweet email, basically telling me to get over myself, and to stop dwelling on what Luke and his shrink thought of me, and to be happy with who I am.
It's very good advice -... |
|
|
| Money and Wealth
26 September 09
I grew up the youngest child, knowing other people would always take care of me. Or rather, hoping they would.
I left University very anxious about my ability to live alone and survive the loneliness, and even more anxious about my ability to earn an income and support myself. I... |
|
|
| 340 Mother God
23 September 09
I've had flu for three days. I miss Luke. But I have a sense this morning that he is here, watching me, filled with love for me.
Again I'm wondering, where do these feelings come from? Are they produced by my psyche to help me cope, or is he really... |
|
|
| 339 Dealing with Neurosis
21 September 09
Luke has been dead for two months. This weekend I gave some of his clothes to a friend, who was delighted to have them. There are still three black bags filled with clothes to give away. If I let them go it will mean he isn't coming back. And I... |
|
|
| 338 Having a rich small life
19 September 09
Today I went to visit my godmother. She is in her mid seventies, and lives with her identical twin sister in a huge, dark old house in Glencairn.
Neither ever married. They worked as librarians until they retired. They have lived in the same house for the last 73 years.... |
|
|
| 337
18 September 09
So its Friday, of one of the hardest week of my life. The one that required me to get knocked down repeatedly, pick myself up and sort myself out.
It's reassuring to realise that 7 years of therapy has given me a whole tool box of equipment to face the... |
|
|
| 336
17 September 09
Yet again I find myself confused. I know from books on grief that anger is a part of the grieving process. And that anger is a positive emotion that gives you impetus to change things.
But what can you change when the person you are angry with is gone? When... |
|
|
| 335 Bad Manners
15 September 09
My mother taught me never to talk about money, politics or religion. It was rude.
I talk about religion all the time. And I know some of my most devoted (and editorially inclined) readers think that I shouldn't disclose money issues in my blog. One just doesn't do it.
But... |
|
|
| 334 Birthdays
14 September 09
Yesterday was a wonderful and terrible day. Momentous in its loving and also the lure of horrible shadows that frightened me.
I had a tea party with champagne and gin, and lots and lots of wonderful cakes. I love baking cakes. Huge puffy creamy flavoury textured cakes. I made an... |
|
|
| 333 grief
12 September 09
This grief thing is so much harder than I anticipated. It goes so much deeper - it's like a tooth rooted firmly into the jaw, and grieving is like having root canal. Sometimes you anaethetise yourself (some people choose booze, drugs, sleeping pills or work). I choose anger. But it... |
|
|
| Being on Shit Street
11 September 09
I am officially on shit street.
I have to find R400 000 to pay off what remains of my bond after the life policies pay out.
And then I have to earn enough every month to keep the family going. Nothing to fall back on.
When the market improves I'll... |
|
|
| 10 September
10 September 09
When you are married to someone as silent as Luke was, you know there are all sorts of currents going on below the surface that you aren't privy to.
Well, it's a real shock to discover after their death that they captured some of those thoughts, and that they weren't... |
|
|
| 330 Suing God
09 September 09
The Child Protection Services
Mr C God
Dear Mr God,
It has come to our attention that you... |
|
|
| 329 bed time
06 September 09
I had a good weekend - full of relaxed people, a birthday party, a trip to the DARG dog shelter with my friend Rachelle Greeff to choose a puppy, - for her, not me - and yesterday morning tea at the Mount Nelson with Rachelle, Eben Venter, the novelist Luke... |
|
|
| 328 Luke's birthday
05 September 09
It's Luke's birthday today. He would have been 49. We're going to make a mosaic angel to stick on the fence today, in memory of him.
I was not anticipating anything by grey heavy sadness today, but instead I have a strong sense of Luke, strong and happy, telling me... |
|
|
| 327 :
04 September 09
It's Friday. It's been a tough week. I have been trying to sit with my sadness and not chase it away with busyness.
Then I had a horrible fight with a dear friend. I knew I was being irrational, and dumping a huge load of anger onto her that she didn't... |
|
|
| 325 Sitting with Sadness
02 September 09
Luke's favourite book of the Bible was Job. He related to the way Job lost everything, got covered in sores and sat on the dung heap asking God why he was being punished.
In my Bible days I liked the psalms - especially the praise ones. And that nice epistle... |
|
|
| 326 More thoughts on Russian fairy tales
02 September 09
So Luke woke up on the 1st of January last year and he knew he would be dead by the end of the year.
And he did nothing for almost four months.
Then he had surgery, and fell into a terrible despair. He never regained his zest for life until... |
|
|
| 324 Waterbed
01 September 09
Tomorrow John de Gruchy's book on Calvin is being launched and I'm invited as it is dedicated to Luke. I want to go, and I also can't bear to.
It's so embarrassing having your grief on show - being the new widow, having people look at you, commiserate with you,... |
|
|
RSS Feed