| 323 Bubblegum machines
31 August 09
More from my therapist, who I would call my shrink, but he complains horribly about the word. If only there was a word in the middle, one that sounded less precious and reverential - head doctor, kopdokter, integrator, integration facilitor. Let's call him that, my IF. The Great If. Just... |
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| 322 Yesterday Today and Tomorrow
30 August 09
I have been thinking a lot about something my therapist says - that children need anxiety-free play time. I am the youngest of five children - three of them a lot older than me. There was a lot of hostility between us, and when I was small the place I... |
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| 321 Rigidity
28 August 09
I've been getting back ache, neck pain, a continual headache that nothing will shift. So today I went to the chiropractor. At first it just felt great, as she pressed and manipulated and pushed and pulled. Then she got up to my shoulders, and as she started working on them,... |
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| 320: Yellowstone Resurrection
27 August 09
Yesterday I was in an orgy of rage – the whole day it pumped around me gushing out like a geyser in the Yellowstone Park, - I was on the rampage.
I was so angry with Luke for dying, for leaving me and the kids, for the way his anxiety... |
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| 318 Cross cross cross
26 August 09
This is the cross I have to bear. Where did this religious thing come from that we need to suffer because Jesus suffered for us. Surely if he was god he could have solved it all without condemning us to suffering on earth to ensure a painfree future life?
I... |
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| 319 The First Adam
26 August 09
So Eve opened her eyes. She was lying on a hill of soft grass. A mango grove dangled fat luscious orange mangoes from thick leafy branches. Birds flew overhead. A stream gurgled by. The sky was blue blue blue, and this place was amazing.
She sat up. Next to her... |
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| 317 Back to Oxford
25 August 09
Time to return to the love story, which turned all a bit sour once the honeymoon was over.
Let me state from the outset that when I married Luke I believed he was in every way superior to me. Cleverer, gooder - all the things that counted.
I replaced my... |
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| Blog 316 August 24 2009
24 August 09
Today the sun shone, the penny gum smelt thatchy and eucalyptussy in my study, and the world seemed sweet again. And I dug in my potato patches and found that they HAD made potatoes after all - when we'd given them up as duds.
My creativity is starting to bounce... |
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| 22 August 2009
22 August 09
I've been thinking about emptying.
All my life I've gathered and hoarded, anxious about the day when I would have nothing. My mother was born just before the Great Depression, and was a teenager during the war. Like many of her generation she was afraid of the empty cupboard, and... |
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| Friday 21 August
21 August 09
I wish I could think of clever, witty, heartrending things to write here to keep you, my faithful blog readers happy and returning to this site.
I could make some up.
*Every cloud has a silver lining. Without Luke, our food bill has dropped by R1000 a month.
I'd rather have... |
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| August 19
19 August 09
Today I feel mad. I feel like my psyche is a prepaid electicity meter, and that every appliance in the house, and all the lights and the geyser are on full blast, and the red light is flicking so fast it's almost shining solidly.
My psyche is frenetic. It's trying... |
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| Choose Your Own Adventure Part Two
17 August 09
In part one of this exciting story, newly bereaved Leah had come across miracle worker and self proclaimed prophet Jesus Ben-Taube-Joseph relaxing on the stoep with recently resurrected Lazarus.
She begged him to resurrect her husband Benjamin.
So far you've had three options to choose from:
a) He told her... |
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| Choose Your Own Adventure
16 August 09
Remember Benjamin and Leah, who lived next door to Mary, Martha and Lazarus?
Well, three weeks after Jesus had raised Lazarus from the dead, he came around to see how they were doing. He and Lazarus were sitting on the porch, watching the sunset and 'shooting the breeze' when Leah... |
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| !5 August
15 August 09
So here I was thinking I was doing really well, that my grieving was nicely under control, and then I went to the bank to close Luke's accounts.
I was received by an automaton. An attractive, polite, cross-no- boundaries-because-I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-you automaton, who nodded when I told her my husband had recently... |
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| Jesus meets the PR man Chapter 5
13 August 09
By now Toby's cellphone was beep beep beeping with messages. 'A dove? More like a bloody albatross,' he muttered, fingers twitching over the keypad. 'Straight for the fucking eyes. If that voice hadn't spoken and chased it away the poor bastard would be blind by now.'
'What ARE you muttering... |
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| 12 August
12 August 09
It's cold and rainy, and it's weird to be continuing life without Luke. I feel as though he has gone away on holiday, and will be coming back soon.
Spot sleeps in bed with me, on Luke's side, under the duvet, because he's always cold. He's a disgusting little dog... |
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| Jesus meets the PR man Chapter Four
10 August 09
A few minutes later Toby nudged Giles. 'Oh boy, will you look at that?'
Giles stared at the screen of his blackberry, fiddling away on the tiny keyboard. He was writing notes about his brilliant new idea to market feminine wipes soaked in Jordan water to Israel's ladies.
'Boss, boss,... |
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| August 9
09 August 09
I miss Luke so much. For three weeks I haven't. I've been so relieved he's not suffering anymore, that I'm glad it's all over. But now I have periods when I long for him.
I lie on my bed and think about him - what he's doing. I imagine him... |
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| Mudflats and buddhas
08 August 09
Two images came into my mind first thing this morning.
Yesterday was very hard - sadness came rolling in and I missed Luke so much.
I've learned that if you stay with the difficult feelings, that you move through them in time.
But if you hold back and distract yourself... |
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| Boats sailing away
06 August 09
It's a weird thing, and I'm a bit suspicious of it, but I feel very happy in a fundamental place inside myself. I feel as though I am stretching and uncurling and opening out, and that Luke is around, and is very happy too.
I keep thinking of my image... |
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| Jesus meets the PR man Chapter Three
05 August 09
There by the river Jordan things were busy. John was standing on a tree stump haranguing the audience. They love it.
Watching were two men in suits - Giles Simpson-Smythe of the PR firm Mayka Fastbuck and sons, and his assistant, Toby Ben-Dover. Giles was talking into his headset, while... |
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| Where the Wild Things Are
04 August 09
When my son Pip was a tiny boy he was very scared of skeletons. One day his older brother thoughtfully shared with him that he had a skeleton inside him. It took much consoling and explaining that everyone had one, and there really wasn't much to worry about.
I thought of... |
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| Jesus meets the PR man Chapter Two
03 August 09
Joseph watched Jesus stride off down the road with mixed feelings. He was sorry to see the boy go - after all he was getting pretty helpful in the carpenter's shop. But on the other hand, he was a real pest. Always smiling and being perky. Happy every morning, chattering... |
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| Correction!!!
03 August 09
The wonderful nurse from St Luke's Hospice has pointed out that she did not give Luke an intravenous morphine injection, as this is not allowed, but an intra muscular one.
I know nothing about medicine, and got it wrong. She was completely wonderful and I would hate for her to... |
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| Jesus meets the PR man Chapter One
02 August 09
Jesus had reached a crisis point. Fifteen years in the carpenter's shop, planing wood, making tables and chairs, being bossed around by Joseph. He had dreams. He had passion. He had a vision.
"I'm going to stop being your handlanger," he told Joseph. "Fifteen years sweeping up sawdust? I was... |
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| Reconciling?
01 August 09
How do you reconcile being a writer, someone who creates by exploring feelings and experiences, with your love for your family, and respect for their feelings?
I feel I am being ruthless and unkind to them. The kids have been upset by this blog. And I wish I could just write... |
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