| Old friends
31 July 09
We had a friend at University, a science student called Pete Knox, who was renowned because he never shaved, and had never shaved. Not once in his life. He had a beard that was little more than bum fluff gone wild. He was a sweetie, and a great loss to... |
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| Onions
30 July 09
This grief is like an onion - layer after layer protecting you from the agonising core. Last week for three days the padding numbed the pain almost completely. This week more layers have been stripped away.
How to hold it together?
Part of the time I feel ok - tired,... |
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| Awful things
29 July 09
Today I feel the full volume of the awful awful thing that has happened to me. I can't believe he's gone. But I am handling his death certificate, and signing documents, and each time its like someone shoots me in the heart and throat with a nail gun.
I am... |
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| Meditation on the church by John de Gruchy
29 July 09
Professor John de Gruchy visited Luke ten days before he died. He sent me this meditation he used in a daily Eucharist the week after he visited Luke.
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| Beaded Purses
28 July 09
Everything was kak today. I woke up, and Pip couldn't bear to go to school, and had black rings under his eyes, and I felt exhausted, so we all went back to bed and slept till 10.
Then this afternoon I had to do the BIG FINANCIALS, which are very... |
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| Monday 27 July
27 July 09
I feel like I'm at a fairground, and they're spinning that big pie chart wheel of fortune thing, and where it stops, that's what I feel.
I've felt happy today, calm, weepy, desperately upset, panged with longing, exhausted, amused, distracted, content and even excited.
I feel mad.
I've found the... |
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| fuzzy thinking
26 July 09
It's 3.30 am. I can't sleep, and as I was falling asleep last night, I worked something out.
What do I know for sure?
That the world is an eco-system. That each organism wants to flourish - is designed to be born, flourish, breed, raise its young, grow old and die.
And the... |
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| Luke's Funeral Sermon
26 July 09
Denise Ackermann preached at Luke's funeral, and she sent me the text. I'm posting it here because she is wise and loving and witchhazelly.
Luke Stubbs – Funeral
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| Funeral Day
25 July 09
7.20
Everyone says the funeral was lovely, and dignified, and serene and ordered, just like Luke. The sermon was superb, the liturgy liturgical - all as he ordered. But I was in a rage throughout, and could only cope by switching off into a meditative state.
Luke knew I would be... |
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| Bitterness and Gall
24 July 09
Today at 11.00 is the priestly washing that Luke requested. His therapist and Jen will wash him, while everyone else starts with psalm 1 -
'Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the ungodly or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the... |
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| Thursday
23 July 09
Luke's funeral is on Saturday at 11.3o at the cathedral. i have no idea what it entails as he organised every last inch of it. it's a surprise.
Tomorrow morning is the priestly washing, when he is dressed in his robes. I won't be there.
I am gone in the head.... |
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| Tributes to Luke
22 July 09
This space is for anyone who wants to say something about Luke. I'll start.
He was morally incorruptible. That was what I loved best about him. |
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| Wednesday
22 July 09
I am happy deep inside because he isn't suffering any longer. He looked so peaceful after he died. Care free and beautiful.
This is how he died.
At 9.45 his uncle arrived. He sat in the chair and talked to him, and Luke was squeezing his hand. He gave him a... |
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| Tuesday
21 July 09
I slept all night, exhausted. This morning Luke was with me in the bedroom. He said, 'don't be afraid of the big empty bed. You can spread out. I've shifted over to make more room for you. And you have more room in your life now to grow and expand.'
He... |
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| Monday
20 July 09
9.30 pm
I am totally exhausted. Two urbanol have helped. I want to crawl into bed and go to sleep for days and days and days.
The bed is empty, and I won't let them change the sheets. I want to feel his DNA. But tonight both dogs will share the... |
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| Sunday morning
19 July 09
11.00 pm
He has been in agony, weeping, groaning, begging to know why he has to suffer such pain. It's unbearable. It started when we rolled him over onto his side to stop him choking.
The hospice sister is here now. And we've found that the morphine syringe had disconnected from... |
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| July 18th
18 July 09
On Thursday night, after a really bad day for him, I lay next to Luke and said, 'if you're tired of fighting this thing, if you want to go now, you mustn't keep fighting for me of the kids. We'll be fine. We don't like to see you suffering.'
And he... |
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| 16 July
16 July 09
The night nurse leaves as 6.00 and wakes me before she goes. I climb into bed with Luke, and he doesn't even know I'm there. He's doing his morphine wheeze - a strange highpitched squeak with every in breath. Finally he reached out and takes my hand. His hand is... |
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| The Puzzle of Lazarus
15 July 09
When Lazarus fell ill suddenly, his sisters Mary and Martha were terrified. Who would care for them if he died? They sent for Jesus.
He was tardy, and Lazarus died.
Next door to them lived another family - a close family, headed by Benjamin, a good, honest man, and his wife... |
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| 13 July
13 July 09
This time 25 years ago I was in a bevy of excitement, not to mention terror. Our wedding was 18 hours away, and I was about to commit myself to another person until death us do part.
And now a quarter of a century later, death is about to... |
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| Pregnant with expectation
12 July 09
Yesterday when Anneke came to visit, and she cried so terribly to see Luke lying so ill in bed, I felt guilty that I wasn't crying too. I wondered about it today.
I was driving home in the pouring rain. I'd been to the shops, desperate to get out after... |
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| Wedding Anniversary
11 July 09
Tuesday is our 25th Wedding Anniversary. I am dreading it.
I have ordered a big cake from the Fat Tart.
Anyone who would like to pop in at 4.00 and have a cup of tea and piece of cake is very welcome.
Let me know if you're coming, so we don't... |
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| 10 July
10 July 09
Luke came home this morning in the St Luke's ambulance. It was very calm and untraumatic for him, and pain free.
I watched them wheeling him into the house on the stretcher, covered up with their colourful hand crocheted blankets, lying so still and gray, and I was back in... |
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| Coming home - again
09 July 09
Well, the last rites seemed to have cured him. Luke is so much better now the pain is under control and the infection is gone that he's coming home. He'll be back tomorrow morning.
I'd reclaimed the bedroom, and packed away all the medical accoutrements, now it's filled up with... |
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| July 8th
08 July 09
Today Luke is so much better. He's grumpy and grousing about the nurses and night staff and lights and it's a good sign. He's responding to his surroundings again. He ate a full lunch and chatted to us perfectly lucidly.
The doctor says he's got accustomed to the new drugs,... |
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| July 7th
07 July 09
Well, here we are. It's Tuesday, and Luke is awake and eating, and I thought he would be dead.
I asked the doctor this morning about it. 'I don't understand,' I said.
'There are good days and bad days,' she said.
'But what kills him finally?'
'Organ failure.'
'Are his organs... |
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| July 5
05 July 09
I woke up at 5.30 this morning, and I knew I had to get to the hospice. I expected to find him dying - he was so ill last night. But he was awake, his fever had gone right down, and he asked for tea and juice, and told me... |
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| Hosts of Angels
04 July 09
Luke is very ill tonight - his breathing is laboured, and he's not responding to us, although he can hear what we're saying. Sarah came and gave him communion and the last rites. It was peaceful and beautiful, and I dozed in the chair throughout, knowing he was safe and... |
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| Friday 3 July
03 July 09
It's been a long and tiring day. We went to see Luke this morning - my sister in law Winnie, who is here looking after us at home, and our domestic worker, Elizabeth Sinxo. Elizabeth prayed with Luke, and she and Winnie massaged his feet and head, and he was... |
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| St Francis
02 July 09
Those of you who are quite perceptive may have picked up that I am not fond of the church. But I have been thinking about St Francis, and reading about his death. Luke has spoken about wanting to die like St Francis before, and now in his hospice room with... |
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| July 1
01 July 09
I've just come back from the hospice. He's very peaceful and calm, but the sister says that if there is anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye they should go, as she thinks he will be unconscious soon.
It's lovely there. He's in a private ward, it's calm... |
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