| 31 May
31 May 09
What a storm that was yesterday. Great gales of passive aggression hitting each other SMACK face on. No shouting, no name calling or swearing, no violence, but a huge exhausting storm nevertheless of what was not said, you did this, you don't this and that, she is doing this, why... |
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| Questions
30 May 09
Saturday 10.00 am
Here are my questions. I don't have any answers.
Luke's doctor has advised him to stop chemo. He insists on carrying on. But since Tuesday he has barely eaten. Not eating gives him diarrhoea, which washes him out. But he refuses to eat. Two spoons of oat porridge,... |
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| Answers
30 May 09
Saturday 1.00 am. So now I'm taking Luke to hospital. I phoned the oncologist who had him admitted.
His therapist came to talk to him, and then to both of us together. It transpires that he is convinced the oncologist told him to carry on with chemo. He is... |
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| Plain of Destruction
28 May 09
This time it wasn't a shock. I don't have to adjust to terrible news, to try and let it infiltrate my consciousness, to deal with shocked family and friends, to adjust to a new vision for my life.
It's like I was driving along a country road 13 months ago,... |
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| Bleak News
26 May 09
The latest markers have shot up, showing that the chemo isn't holding back the disease. We're pretty shattered. Just as I'd started to feel confident and hopeful again.
Luke wants to carry on with chemo though, as he says it helps him to fight and not give up. I think... |
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| Blocking and unblocking
22 May 09
Poor Luke is still blocked up, but the pain is under control, and it should unblock by tomorrow. Otherwise he'll have to go to hospital.
I'm very volatile and emotional. I was having tea with the Mowbray Ladies' Guild and one of the ladies began telling a funny story about... |
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| Suffering
21 May 09
So Luke has spent all day in bed with a fiercesome bellyache. He is all blocked up, nothing coming out in spite of laxatives down his throat, in his stoma and a stoma wash out with olive oil and saline. That shit sure is stuck.
So I watch him lying... |
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| Goblins Under Control
19 May 09
So my goblins are under control.
I feel quite energised. I'm off to the gym now.
This is what happened.
For weeks I've been dreading going to bed - in case I dreamed. I've been eating badly - forcing down my feelings with high sugar, high fat food. I've avoided the... |
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| Why didn't you Practice?
17 May 09
Remember when I waxed so lyrically about playing the piano together - how marriage was a duet, and we were reaching the end of ours?
Well at that point we all thought the cancer was so rampant that Luke would be dead in 6 months. He was so despairing, and had... |
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| Shadows and Pigs
12 May 09
When I was a little girl the nuns and the priest and my mother taught me that my shadow side was sinful and needed to be controlled.
Mine was particularly dark and troublesome, I was assured, and prone to pop up at inopportune moments and say the wrong thing, and... |
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| Oh Happy Day
08 May 09
Just when you think things can't get any worse - you get a bonsella.
Life throws you with a lemonade.
We've had an awful week. The worst so far. Luke is very depressed and looking after him has been really difficult. He's angry about a whole year filled with suffering, about how... |
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| Chapter 21 Where is the Happy Ever After?
05 May 09
When we got married I was hugely relieved. I believed deep inside me that Luke was utterly perfect, and I was intrinsically flawed and something of a walking disaster.
Now that I could change my name I could forget about the years that caused me so much shame and embarrassment,... |
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| How to Convert Me
02 May 09
So a few blogs ago I moaned about fundamentalists and their attempts to draw me over to the dark side.
I still battle with the concept of faith. I'm not interested in people telling me to be like them and to adopt their faith when their lives are unadmirable. When... |
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